A Season of Autumn Blockbusters? Forecast is “Cloudy”: September and October are loaded with great movie potential, but not moneymakers

Most years the movie-going public seems to stay at home after the last big summer movie hits the silver screen. Whether that is due to a lack of hype for late-August or early-September releases, a lack of quality of these movies or simply we have reached our tipping point and can no longer take the high prices, big crowds and noxious combination of fake popcorn butter and fake nacho cheese.
Whatever the case may be, once the heat of summer begins to dwindle, so does our want to seek respite in the cool and refreshing environment of a dark movie theater. Of course, this year has been no different from all of those that came before it in regards to box office numbers. In fact, this year has seen one of the biggest and quickest drop-offs in terms of attendance, especially considering the huge commercial successes of movies like “The Hangover,” “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” all of which set records in their own right and have taken in just under one billion dollars combined domestically.
However, after an August swoon and a slow start to this month, the last two weeks of September and the entire month of October seem to have a lot of potential in terms of the quality of movies being released, not necessarily the quantity of money they will make.
Granted, there are a few that will look to bring in copious amounts of cash in the six weeks before the holiday movie season begins with the releases around Halloween, but most understand that the box office numbers will continue to head south with the state of our economy. Wallets will be harder to open and purse strings will be tougher to loosen for these dozen movies.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs- September 18th
The movie with the best chance to ride the coattails of that summer-blockbuster feeling has to be “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.” Most of us are still getting back into the swing of things as school has started, vacations are over and because of this we are trying to hang on to that last glimpse of long days and warm weather.
“Cloudy” will ultimately benefit from those feelings as it provides at least one more chance to maintain that sweet summer vibe and enjoy the sun being up after 7 o’clock as we spend those hours in a darkened room surrounded by strangers we hope don’t talk to us.
Headlined more by the fact that it is a great children’s book other than it’s cast, we can see why this movie was pushed to a September release. While “UP” didn’t have any big names providing voices either, what it did have was the marketing and reputation of Pixar to back it up. “Cloudy” has the overlooked, but extremely funny Bill Hader, best known for his roles on SNL as well as one of the cops from “Superbad,” who needs and deserves more leading comedic roles. Inexplicably, however, he is teamed up with the annoying and unbearable Anna Faris (Scary Movie, The House Bunny), who was last seen in the worst movie of the year, “Observe and Report.”
Hopefully, this movie can survive on the merits and greatness of the book, which is probably one of the top three or five children’s books ever written. “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” is definitely a must-see if you enjoyed the book and even if you didn’t happen to read it, I guarantee you will be entertained by this on-screen adaptation.

The Informant!- September 18th
While everyone else is headed off to IMAX 3D theaters to see “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” most of the older audience will be moseying their way on over to the conventional screens to watch Steven Soderbergh’s foray into comedy starring Matt Damon, both of whom worked together on the “Ocean’s” trilogy.
Aside from the true story behind this movie, what makes this movie so intriguing is the cast and the roles they are playing. This is such a departure for Damon that it seems almost campy for him to be playing the role of a mustachioed, middle-aged, kind of dumb white business executive. Not that I am complaining, he looks as if he nailed the role, but it just seems odd to see the jump that Damon has made here.
You also have the Quantum Leaper, Scott Bakula, himself and “The Soup’s” and now “Community’s” Joel McHale playing FBI agents. They could be great in those roles, but I know that as I am watching the scenes with those two, I will keep expecting Al to pop in with his magical calculator talking about what Ziggy just said or waiting for the canned laughter from the crew every time McHale drops a one-liner.
With all of that said, I am so intrigued by how this movie will play out with the combination of the writing of Scott Burns (The Bourne Ultimatum), the directing of Soderbergh and the acting of Damon that I dub “The Informant!” a must-see.

Jennifer’s Body- September 18th
“How is the movie going to make any money?” you ask. Well, I would venture a guess and say that relying on the success of writer Diablo Cody’s last movie, the smash hit “Juno,” which gained a cult-like following, the success of this summer’s biggest hit “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and promising young and old boys alike a glance at the bare breasts of Megan Fox is a fairly decent way to go about it. Just decent though and that is all that the box office numbers for this movie will show. Decent, but not good, probably still pretty bad and while Megan Fox is hot, I don’t need to pay $10.50 for what I saw on the Internet six months ago.
Looks like Diablo Cody is a one-hit wonder and it should be no wonder why no one goes to see this movie.

Capitalism: A Love Story- September 23rd
Michael Moore, who are helping? What are you helping or even hoping to accomplish? It seems that more than anything you are galvanizing the beliefs of the other side and making them more staunchly opposed to your ideas. Do I believe their needs to be more gun control in this country? Absolutely, yes. Should affordable, and by “affordable” I mean free, healthcare be available to all Americans? 100 percent, unequivocally, no doubt about it, yes. Are “Bowling for Columbine” or “Sicko” or any of your other movies responsible for these feelings? Nope.
Sorry to disappoint you Mike, but I don’t normally allow clever editing and bias push me one way or another, unless of course I am watching “The Daily Show,” and in that case I’ll do whatever Jon Stewart tells me to. He’s just so much more charming and smarter than you (Swoon).
My guess is that anyone who sees this movie is likely only to be pushed farther to the extreme side of their views than they are already. Moore’s movies have never been about bringing people together, but more about driving a stake between them, creating conflict, stirring things up and causing more arguments and friction and doing so unnecessarily. If you keep yourself informed, you already know the things he is complaining about and if you’re not than you probably don’t like or don’t agree with Michael Moore. Go see “Capitalism” if you must, but I would save yourself the trouble and just skip it.

Fame- September 25th
“I’m gonna last forever.” Well, maybe not me, but this article certainly seems to be moving in that direction.
Next up on the Hollywood assembly line of unoriginality that has been spitting our remakes and sequels and prequels of off that fast moving conveyor belt is “Fame,” an updated version of the movie from 1980. I was unaware that we needed an updated version, but somebody was paying attention and discovered that this world was woefully below the limit of teenage dancing movies. Three “High School Musical’s,” two (and soon to be three) “Step Up’s,” a “You Got Served” plus a “Stomp the Yard,” a “Roll Bounce” and a “Dirty Dancing” sequel finished off by a forgettable “How She Move” just are not nearly enough. Where am I supposed to get my fix when the nation is suffering through its worst dance movie drought ever?
Granted, I loved “Step Up 2 The Streets.” Not for the bad acting and terrible writing or the clichéd storylines, but for the dancing. It was extremely impressive and I see no reason why “Fame” cannot offer the same caliber. It is an old and played out story, but “Fame” would be decent watching on a cable movie channel or a rented DVD, just not in theaters.

Surrogates- September 25th
Bruce Willis is a busy man. After “Surrogates” is released at the end of September he has eight more movies due out in the next two years. It is too bad that he does not actually have a surrogate robot or two that can help lighten the load, but I am sure the man will persevere as he always does.
Willis has gone from John McClane to Hudson Hawk to John McClane to Harry Stamper to John McClane to Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski to John McClane. Obviously the guy has range. All kidding aside, I love Bruce Willis and nearly every movie he has ever done. The man is a living legend in the industry, an icon, and should be respected.
“Surrogates” looks like a fairly decent movie, but one that is better suited for a TBS or TNT viewing on a boring, lazy Saturday afternoon. Set in the future where no one leaves their house, but instead has robotic and ideal versions of themselves venture out into the world. Well, we’re probably not too far away from something along those lines happening, so if you would like to get an introduction into what life will be like in five to ten years, go watch “Back to the Future II”.

The Invention of Lying- October 2nd
What is more than likely to be the best movie out of this bunch, Ricky Gervais and his brilliant comedic mind delve into the possibility of a world where lying did not exist and only the truth is ever spoken.
A very simple idea, yet a very original concept and plot for a movie. Of course, something like this has to be done right and placing such a funny premise in the hands of the creator of “The Office” is obviously the best possible scenario.
Not only are we lucky enough to have Gervais behind the wheel, but we are also given a pretty damn good cast to go along with him. Honestly, where do you beginning naming the names on this list. “Lying” has Jason Bateman, Jennifer Garner, Jonah Hill, Tina Fey, Rob Lowe, Jeffrey Tambor, Christopher Guest and probably one of the funniest stand-up comics, scratch that, men alive in Louis CK.
The only hesitancy I feel towards this movie is that it might rely to heavily upon the cast to make the movie, but with Gervais writing and directing that should not be a problem.
“The Invention of Lying” is without a doubt a must-see.

Zombieland- October 2nd
If you happen to be pitching a movie idea to Jesse Eisenberg or his agent, just make sure that the movie ends with the word “land,” although it is possible that a “world” or a “town” ending to the title would be acceptable as well.
After starring in “Adventureland,” which had the flare and flavor of “Juno” but only better, Eisenberg now takes on the undead other than those who just seem like they are. Along with Eisenberg, we are graced with the wonderful presence of Woody Harrelson, the always beautiful, but sometimes not picky enough, i.e “The House Bunny,” Emma Stone and “Little Miss Sunshine” herself Abigail Breslin. This foursome has to make up one the strangest quartets of zombie fighters ever assembled, but when life, death and “undeath” are on the line, we’ll take what we can get.
“Zombieland” looks to a prize-winning piece in the horror-comedy genre, taking its place along side the finest one of them all, “Shaun of the Dead,” which had the genius of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as its driving force. My only qualm with this movie, and it has nothing to do with the film itself seeing as how it looks like a hell of a ride that would make a fantastic video game, is the release date. You made it to October and that was close, but I think you wanted the end of the month, not the beginning.

Couples Retreat- October 9th
Vinnie Vaughn and Jonny Favreau back together again. Although not really, because it’s not as if “Couples Retreat” is a buddy comedy if you were to look at the cast. Again of movie with a big time list of actors is rolled out looking to make a splash in the box office bonanza. Along with Vaughn and Favreau, “Retreat” has the very funny Jason Bateman, the gorgeous Malin Akerman and Kristen Bell plus Ken Jeong, Kristin Davis and Jean Reno, not to be confused with former Attorney General Janet Reno.
Focusing on the problems of married life, “Retreat” brings four struggling couples down to a tropical island where one is happy to participate in the therapy sessions while the other three are forced to endure the rather unconventional means in which these “professionals” try to fix their marriages.
Any movie with Vaughn is gold and to bring the “Swingers” back together again with Favreau on board as a writer and actor as well, this movie should be hilarious. Directed by Peter Billingsley, aka Ralphie from “A Christmas Story,” “Couples Retreat” is bound to bring out those guttural laughs from deep, down below.

Law Abiding Citizen- October 16th
When I saw the trailer for this movie, I was really excited. I thought, “Gerard Butler and Jamie Foxx? This should be a good one.” The action looked great the story seemed far fetched, but good enough for me to suspend belief and just enjoy a good shoot-‘em up, blow-‘em up and kill ‘em revenge inspired action flick.
However, after checking it out on IMDB I discovered that this movie is written by Kurt Wimmer, who is responsible for such bombs as “The Recruit” starring Colin Farrell and Al Pacino and “Street Kings” which had Keanu Reeves and Forrest Whitaker in the lead roles. Those are four pretty good names, but two very bad movies. It seems like Wimmer’s movies team up an Oscar-winner with an action star and “Citizen” is no different. Also, hurting this movie is the director F. Gary Gray, who was behind the cameras for “A Man Apart” with Vin Diesel, which also had a cool looking trailer for an appetizer, but the main course was just god awful.
Maybe Butler and Foxx can overcome the handicaps they have been given with Wimmer and Gray leading the way, but I highly doubt it.

Where the Wild Things Are- October 16th
Easily the movie I, along with many others, am most excited for is the big screen adaptation of one of the best-selling, finest written, most enjoyable and widely hailed children’s books of all-time, Maurice Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are.”
Directed by Spike Jonze, who is responsible for works not usually in this category, i.e the “Jackass” movies and a number of music videos and compilations, looks to have taken the cartoon and made it work wonderfully in live-action.
Now, along with Jonze, Sendak’s original work was adapted for the screen with the help of Dave Eggers who wrote the best-selling and highly revered “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” in his late-twenties and recently wrote the indie flick “Away We Go” starring John Krazinski and Maya Rudolph. A fairly good duo, I would say.
Working in front of the cameras is another finely assembled cast of great actors including Mark Ruffalo, Catherine Keener, Lauren Ambrose, Chris Cooper, James Gandolfini, Catherine O’Hara and Forrest Whitaker. All of these people working together combined with the efforts of Jonze and Eggers plus the added benefit of Sendak’s material, something special was bound to happen. I just hope that it did, otherwise millions of people are going to be very disappointed and very angry.

Amelia- October 23rd
Hilary Swank is seeking another Academy Award because apparently she does not have enough friends named Oscar. In the upcoming biopic of the life and ultimately the mysterious disappearance and more likely death of Amelia Earhart, Swank is given the title role and puts her normal quality of work into and that quality is always top-notch.
Ewan McGregor and Richard Gere star along side Swank in this film, which will more than likely earn some consideration for a number of Oscar nominations due to the buzz already surrounding it.
I must say that I find the movie intriguing. Obviously I have a fairly good grasp on how it will end, but just like the recently released “Public Enemies” starring Johnny Depp, I want to know everything that led up to the unfortunate events of Miss Earhart. Of course, there is a good chance that we will see both Swank and Depp up for Best Actor/Actress nods for their performances when Oscar time rolls around.
All in all, the Fall looks like it should be set up for a few solid weeks of good movies, good performances and just decent revenues at ye ole box office.

No “Stopping” reading this book: Oran Canfield’s bizarre memoir truly uplifting

Through no fault of my own, I am unable to go more than a few hours without picking up a book or a magazine or a newspaper. I’ll even read the ingredients on the shampoo bottle if no such item is present in the bathroom. Whether it is the quality of material that I am reading, or my desire to please my librarian older sister combined with my upbringing, it seems that I have read more in the last three years of my life than the previous 22 combined. Maybe it’s that I am just getting older.
Thankfully, my librarian sister happened to pick up a few (and I use the term “few” lightly) books for my family and I from a conference she attended a couple of months ago. She brought in a tote bag that was toting at least 60 books and passed them out as if she the Santa Claus of tomes and paperbacks and pop-ups.
Now, I am quite aware of the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” but one of the books she deemed suitable for my tastes had a cover that grabbed my attention immediately. However, being near the end of the sixth Harry Potter novel (yes, I’ve read the entire series… and now I’m re-reading it), I was not able at that moment to pick it up. Still, I made a mental note to get back to it and how lucky I am that I did.
The book was “Long Past Stopping,” a memoir written by Oran Canfield about his insanely bizarre, extremely adventurous and wildly experimental life. The wonderful thing about “Long Past Stopping” was the fact that Canfield has actually achieved what his father Jack Canfield has only claimed to have done over the last few decades, and that is write a truly inspirational, uplifting and life-changing book.
The elder Canfield is the mind behind the mega-best-selling “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series and while I do not doubt that these books have an impact on the reader, I do not believe that impact to be more than a short lasting, cheap attempt to raise goose bumps or get the reader to shed a tear.
Oran’s work, on the other hand, is a story that will stay with you for weeks, if not months after putting it down, which if you can do before you finish it is quite a feat in itself. A good book can get into your head for a few days before you open to the first page of your next adventure, but a great book will make its home there for a while, interrupting your thought process throughout the day and altering the way you felt before you read it. “Stopping” is the latter.
Chronicling both his childhood and his agonizing struggle with drug addiction, Canfield uses a very stylistic form of writing that allows him to tell two stories at once while each melds into a smooth flow. The jumping back and forth from past to present is not an original writing tool, but the book still maintains it own uniqueness when it comes to using the concept. Honestly, I feel like this was the only way to write this book.
I’ve never used drugs nor have I ever struggled with addiction, yet I found my attention so rapt to his story that my attitudes during the day were effected by where I was in the book and what I had just read. It was as if the outcome of something in my life was contingent upon the outcome of his, and for any author to get that out a reader is an accomplishment to be proud.
I was completely enthralled and entirely devoted to the struggles of young Oran, the juggling troublemaker getting drunk at eight and trying cocaine at thirteen, as well as the older Oran, the strung out junkie going through these pits of depression and just digging deeper as he tries to right the ship. I actually found myself getting angry at the older Oran as he went through rehab after rehab and then consequently, relapse after relapse.
Yet in the end, after I had finished reading this book outside underneath a bright sun, I truly felt better about myself and where my life was heading. Not because Oran Canfield’s was so bad, but because here was a man who has struggled from day one; with an absentee and disinterested father, a crazy mother with mixed up priorities, strained relationships with everyone he has ever met and the constant self-doubt and criticism that he forced upon himself daily, yet he came through the other side. He did not even have to write this book to be inspirational, but Canfield did and he did a really, damn good job.
I cannot force you to read this book, but I can certainly highly (and I do mean “highly”) recommend you drop into to your nearest bookstore and drop the $25.99 necessary to read a story you never thought could be written. Oran Canfield has done something amazing here with “Long Past Stopping” and I suggest you experience it before it just rolls right on by.

"Long Past Stopping" Approval Rating: 5 out of 5

No need to dig for “Glee” gold: Fox phenomenon shows brilliance in season premiere

No longer will I be ashamed to like this show, watch this show, talk about this show or re-watch this show on my iPod… because I love this show. It is official, I am a full-fledged “Gleek” and I am proud to wear that title as a badge of TV viewing honor.
Glee is not a show that deserves to have the channel changed when someone walks in the door or to be hidden in your DVR and erased immediately after viewing. No. Instead be proud that this once thought to be “guilty pleasure” is now, in fact, a very well-written, wonderfully performed and acted, extremely intelligent and damn funny original show.
Sure it contains some of the mainstay clichés of all high school based entertainment material, i.e cheerleaders and jocks are bullies and mean to the lowly nerds, but it is the characters within these clichés that make them so much more than a one-dimensional setup for a cheap laugh.
The prime example of this is the coach of the Cherrios, the award-winning, ESPN televised and nationally recognized cheerleading squad, Sue Sylvester, who happens to be played by one of the funniest women in Hollywood right now, Jane Lynch. Lynch has made her comedic bones in movies like “The 40 Year-old Virgin,” “Talladega Nights” and “Role Models” and has shown in those just how capable she is at stealing scenes with her dry wit and perfect timing. Her role as the hard-nosed and ultra-competitive Sylvester had me laughing so hard that I could barely breathe and that is quite an accomplishment for any show, not just one about a struggling high school glee club.
Of course, I would be remiss if I did not mention the rest of the cast who clearly are the reason why this show will and has become a smash hit with a cult-like and loyal fan base.
The star of the glee club Rachel Berry, played by the supremely talented Lea Michele, was a bit off-putting and abrasive in the first few segments of the first episode, but this beautiful girl has really grown on me. She has certainly show her vocal chops in these first two episodes with her versions of “On My Own” from Les Miserables and Rhianna’s “Take A Bow,” both of which are goosebump-raisingly good.
The male leads played by Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson, the jock turned glee club star, and Matthew Morrison as Will Schuester, the former glee club star and now teacher/glee coach are perfectly casted. Finn is trying to balance life as Mr. Popular with the life that makes him truly happy, that of course being performing on stage. His struggles with his newfound attraction to his co-star Rachel, who has secretly been pining for him since his first performance, and the celibacy-preaching and cheerleading girlfriend Quinn are just a few that he faces and ignores at the same time,
Mr. Schuester, meanwhile, is struggling in his own right with a baby on the way that really isn’t on the way, because his insane wife is having a hysterical pregnancy. He wants to provide for his family, but he also wants to be happy and Glee Club and teaching are what the things that do that for him.
The supporting cast is great as well with Kurt the effeminate and fashionably conscious male support, Artie the talented, but sadly (and endearingly) crippled nerd, Mercedes the big voiced diva and Tina the punk-rock and socially awkward outcast make up the rest of the misfit Glee crew. Jayma Mays is hilarious and so damn cute as Emma Pillsbury, the obsessive-compulsive clean freak and the guidance counselor who is madly in love with Will, but who has her own suitor in the gym teacher and football coach Ken Tanaka, played by Patrick Gallagher.
Glee kept up with the high bar that it had set for itself in the sneak preview episode a few months back and seemed to somehow surpass it as well. From the great performances of Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” and Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” in that first episode to the great covers of Kanye West’s “Golddigger” and Salt n Pepa’s “Push It” in the season premiere, it looks as though this shows show choir take on modern hit songs will be a hit in itself.
Fox has finally found something other than “The Simpsons” and “Family Guy” that it can hang its hat on and hopefully it does so for seasons and years to come… with the fan and critic reaction, it seems very likely that “Glee” will make it all the way to Nationals.

“Glee” Season Premiere Approval Rating: 5 out of 5

“Sons” hits the throttle early: Second season premiere of FX series shines

Kurt Sutter should surprise no one anymore. The man has shown from his days writing for FX’s hit cop drama “The Shield” that he is more than willing to delve into dark and horrible material that most viewers and writers for that matter shy away from. Last night’s premiere of the second season of “Sons of Anarchy” was certainly no different.
After being left with a cliffhanger from last season in which we see the lines that have been drawn between Jax Teller, played brilliantly by the English actor Charlie Hunnam (Green Street Hooligans and Undeclared), and Clay Morrow, played by Hellboy actor Ron Perlman. Both Jax and Clay are part of the Sons of Anarchy, better known as SAMCRO, a motorcycle gang that runs guns up and down the west coast of California and keeps their small town of Charming isolated from the other dregs of the outside world, i.e drugs and prostitution.
As revealed from last season, Jax (vice president of SAMCRO) and Clay (president of SAMCRO) have grown close since Jax’s real father had been killed and Clay married his widowed mother. However, after Clay targets one of the group’s own and the best friend of Jax, Opie, wrongfully and accidentally kills his wife, Jax decides that it is time for the change that he knew needed to come after reading a book his late father wrote about the state of the Sons.
After watching last night’s premiere, I am left with one thought and one question: Why is this show’s season only 13 episodes long? I know that FX prefers its shows to be half seasons and Sutter may be more comfortable writing a storyline for that amount of time, but all I know is that I don’t want to keep waiting nine months in between the Sons of Anarchy.
The second season picked up about three weeks after the funeral for Opie’s wife Donna and Opie has come back looking for revenge on who he believes killed wife, only Jax, Clay, Gemma (Jax’s mother and Clay’s wife), Piney (Opie’s Father) and Tig, the member of SAMCRO who killed Donna are aware of the painful truth. Knowing that the truth would crush Opie, both Piney and Jax agree to go along with Clay’s version of events, which is that a member of a rival motorcycle gang, the Mayans, killed Donna while taking revenge on the Sons for a botched gun deal.
We also see the relationship has blossomed between Jax and his old flame Tara as they both try to raise Jax’s son Abel. Tara wants the truth from Jax about what he does and Jax hesitantly obliges, telling her of the murder he just helped commit on Opie’s behalf.
Bobby, played by Mark Boone Junior (Batman Begins, 30 Days of Night), who is casted perfectly as is the rest of the crew has been released from jail and a party in his name is interrupted by the new gang into Charming, a group of Neo-Nazi white supremacists who want the Sons to stop selling guns to the blacks in the One-Niners and the Mayans.
After being brushed off by SAMCRO, this group targets Gemma, played by Katey Sagal, and in one of the most horrific scenes to ever be aired on basic cable television, we see her repeatedly beaten and raped as she is strung up in front of a chain link fence in a warehouse.
The believability of this scene only shows how perfectly the writers, directors and cast have developed the characters and storyline in just 14 episodes. As a loyal viewer of “The Sons of Anarchy” I can simply not wait until next week to see what form of revenge the crew will take upon these hate mongers.
FX has found the perfect show to take the place of “The Shield” and if Sutter shows that he can keep up the act without his buddy and co-writer Shawn Ryan, the show will gain the recognition and following it deserves. The original storyline along with the fantastic acting of Hunnam, who soared in Green Street Hooligans, Perlman, who could not fit any better into this role and Sagal, whose grasp of the bitchy mother and hard-assed female figure has not been seen in any other show, make the “Sons of Anarchy” one of the strongest and most solid shows currently on the air.

Sons of Anarchy Premiere Approval Rating: 4 out of 5

Thank God for the DVR: 2009 Fall TV Preview

The last thing that any of us faithful TV viewers out there want to do is to think while we watch our favorite shows… or whatever happens to be on at that moment. Second only to that is the hassle of trying to schedule your life around these shows. Honestly, who wants to be boggled down with the obligation of going to a loved one’s funeral if that means you have to miss an episode of CSI: Miami with the enigmatic and ultra-dramatic Horatio “Hornblower” Kane? *Note: This author neither encourages nor condones the viewing of CSI: Miami and its inane plots and gaudy overacting.*

Well, thankfully science and technology solved that horrible dilemma years ago with the creation of the digital video recorder, better known as the DVR or TiVo. It really is difficult to comprehend how we managed to cram so much television into our lives before this little box came along. How did we survive for so long without it?

Now, instead of going outside for a walk or taking in a ballgame at the park, which is like watching sports on a very realistic, very large, three-dimensional 1080pi flat-screen TV, we can catch up on all of the fine hillbilly gene-activating programming that escaped us during the week when re-runs of Tool Academy were on.

No longer shall we needlessly be annoyed by the time-wasters that are conversations or exercise or, GULP!….. reading throughout our hectic TV-watching week. Because viewing that much programming is like a second job, that is of course implying that you have a first job. It takes a great deal of commitment and fortitude to follow the storylines from last season, forget about your favorite shows that were canceled after last year and begin new and exciting relationships with shows making their debuts this year.

If you are worried about any of these problems that you might face, I suggest you continue reading because I have all of them solved for you. No need to fret over over-lapping shows or missing that premiere, because here is a day-by-day breakdown of your weekly television viewing. Feel free to send thanks in the form of cash.

Sunday

It’s a good thing that football is starting soon. What would you do between the hours of noon and 6pm? Yardwork? Spend quality time with the family? Philo Farnworth’s genius invention is all the family you need.

Of course after stuffing your face with chips and dip and mini weenies, there’s a good chance you’re still going to be hungry. Hopefully you have a TV that is viewable from the dinner table, so you can watch people fall down and get hit in the crotch for the 21^st year in a row on America’s Funniest Videos at 6pm.

At 7pm, you have the standard staple of Fox’s Animation Domination with the Simpsons and Family Guy, the only two that need to be watched out of the four and the Simpsons is quickly losing it’s hold on a must-watch.

At 9 you can switch to Showtime to watch Agent Mulder, er, I mean David Duchovny as a depressed sex-crazed maniacal writer in Californication, which is entering its third season and if the first two seasons are any indication, the writing and acting will be brilliant.

Since you were watching Family Guy at 8, you missed the best show currently on TV, that of course being Dexter. Thankfully, Showtime re-airs this original and emmy-winning series at 10pm, so there is no need to worry. After last season with the performance of Jimmy Smits, it will be hard for the writers to do better, but with a little bundle of joy now in the serial killer or serial killers’ life, this 13 episode arc is bound to be interesting.

Monday

This day has held steady the last decade or so as a great night for TV, from 24 to Heroes to Chuck to the cancelled series of The Black Donnellys and Journeyman. However, this year seems to have knocked the first day of the work week of kilter.

Heroes is in a downward spiral that shows no signs of turning that whirlpool around, especially when the writers are resorting to WWE like tactics of girl-on-girl action as a ratings ploy. The show should have ended last season as the final group stood around the burning pyre. Heroes is still a watch for the moment at 7pm on NBC.

One show that will satisfy the guilty pleasure in all of us, as well as test our tolerance for cliché intake, is ABC Family’s hit series about college life, Greek. While it is not a great show and has shown some tendency to lean on the same storylines, there is no denying that this show is entertaining and will be a welcome break at 8pm.

Since Jay Leno has decided to take over 5 hours of programming each night on NBC and bump network TV’s best show, Chuck, back to march, the 9pm hour should be used to watch your DVR recordings of two of the funniest sitcoms on right now. CBS’s How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory are truly the only two shows left that can be handled with either a laugh track or live audience and this is only because they are so damn funny. Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson in HIMYM is worth the watch as is Jim Parsons as Sheldon on Big Bang.

Tuesday

With The Shield ending it’s run last year and Damages not returning until later this year, FX is leaning on their motorcycle club drama Sons of Anarchy to take the reigns as the network’s next big hit, cutting-edge drama. It certainly worked last season and there should be no signs of stopping now, considering how things were left between Clay and Jax.

Sons of Anarchy is the only show worth watching on a Tuesday night, so I would suggest using this day as a catch-up on DVR responsibilities or even a family DVD night, if they are still speaking to you.

Make sure, however, that you tune into FX at 9 to watch you things will shake themselves out in SAMCRO.

Wednesday

More guilty pleasures abound on hump day. While no one would ever confuse ABC’s Wipeout as emmy-worthy, it certainly should be deemed time-worthy. The whacked out contestants and the insanely difficult obstacle courses lead to some of the greatest hits and falls to ever be aired on TV. While this show is finishing up its summer run, make sure you catch the new ones at 7pm before Wipeout’s time is up.

NBC is looking to replace its most decorated series ever, ER, with another hospital drama in Mercy. While it is not given the Thursday 9pm slot, Wednesday at 7 is not too shabby either. However, the story seems to be straight out of ER and the set looks to be straight out of Scrubs, I guess this economy is hitting the originality bank as well. Still, Mercy is a watch and see.

Also, making its way into the guilty pleasure catalog is Fox’s new smash hit Glee, which has already built a cult following from its preview episode. Fox has slotted this in at the 8pm hour and it has certainly build an audience from just one airing and looks to gain a lot more once it hits its regular schedule.

ABC is looking to gain a bit more popularity with a few shows of the half-hour variety instead of all of their hour-long programming. Modern Family and The Middle look like they should succeed at doing what they have failed at before, having a successful half hour show, seeing as how Scrubs, Better of Ted and Surviving Suburbia bit the dust. The Middle, starring Everybody Loves Ray alum Patricia Heaton (Debra) and Scrubs Alum Neil Flynn (The Janitor), is a watch and see, but this viewer is hoping for good things out of another vanilla family comedy airing at 7:30. Modern Family (8pm) looks to be anything but vanilla and with Ed O’Neil and a fairly unknown but solid cast, this show looks to be the best new show of the Fall season.

Thursday

Do not schedule anything other than TV viewing for this day, make sure that your calendar is always clear. NBC takes over from 7pm to 9pm with the new hit Community, which will be sliding in after SNL: Weekend Update runs its course. Joel McHale of The Soup and Chevy Chase headline this new 30 Rock-like comedy dealing with life at a community college.

At 7:30pm, Amy Poehler and Rashida Jones of I Love You, Man, are back and are taking on the system, in so many words. Parks and Recreation coming straight out of the womb of The Office showed last year that it can build an audience and maintain that following thanks to the comedic work of Miss Poehler.

Nothing needs to be said about what airs at 8pm, other than if you are not watching The Office by now, than you should stop reading this article, go to the nearest store that sells DVDs, buy the first five seasons and then thank me later. Pam is pregnant and sorry but there is no mystery surrounding that not yet revealed revelation. The antics of Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute along with the in the camera looks of Jim Halpert are reasons why this show became so popular in the first place and they will not hurt this comedic masterpiece now.

While 30 Rock doesn’t hit the airwaves until October 15^th, it should still be programmed into your TV viewing calendar, so you do not make a mistake and slot something else in that time period. Fey, Balwdin, Morgan and McBrayer make this comedy and the supporting cast is there to hold them up. Just like The Office, this show was on the verge of cancellation before the critics saved and NBC must be glad they did.

Once again, there is nothing watchable at 9pm seeing as how most networks have given way to Jay, but make sure that you DVR ABC’s new series Flash Forward and watch it in place of the big-chinned hapless wonder. From David Goyer, Flash Forward looks to be the most intense and mysterious series since LOST and with that not coming back until 2010 and entering its final season, now is the time to find another show that will leave you cursing at the television when it is over.

Friday

Friday is a very patriotic day, as you will spend your night watching USA. With Monk in its final season and Psych showing that it is one of the funniest and best shows currently going, you’re going to be saying “Yes we can!” to Uncle Sam from 8pm to 10 pm.

Tony Shaloub has been fantastic as the obsessively compulsive detective Adrian Monk and it will be great to see how they end this series that revitalized the USA network.

Aside from that, James Roday as Shawn Spencer and Dule Hill as Burton Guster or Fannypack Meriwinkle or any other hilarious nickname that Shawn might improvise that day, make for the best on screen duo right now. Spencer is a psychic detective who is not really psychic, just ultra observant and extremely wise-cracking.

Both shows are must watch.

Saturday

Ah, the day to relax and catch up on those show you couldn’t watch because you were busy watching other shows. Don’t worry, it is completely normal and rational to feel overwhelmed by the amount of programming you’ve deemed necessary to watch.

Saturday should be spent watching DVR’d episodes of Ace of Cakes and the Rotten Tomatoes show which air on the Food Channel at 9pm and Current TV at 9:30pm on Thursdays respectively.

Do not forgot to tune into Saturday Night Live after your local news. The new season premieres September 26^th.